Nanny&Me

I work for an organization, L'Arche Toronto, that supports adults with intellectual disabilities in an intentional community. Recently there was a campaign at the national level of the organization designed to educate people about the value of 'with', that is to understand how fulfilling life can be when you laugh 'with', share 'with', dine 'with', and talk 'with' others. Living 'with' is the idea of togetherness and community, it is about appreciating the value of living, growing, and being with others.

Welcoming our nanny into our home has very much been an experience of "with" for us. One of the ways that we encourage our sense of "with" is through family outings that include our nanny (as she has been welcomed into our family).

Here are some of the fun things we've been doing together:

Kensington Market. One of our favourite Toronto neighbourhoods. We had a lovely Sunday morning outing for muffins, coffee, and a stroll through the market.

Garage Sailing. We are VERY into garage sails and we've been tickled pink that Genette loves them as much as we do. Every Saturday morning for several weeks running in peak summer garage sailing time, we load the whole family into the car and head out on a hunt for trinkets, toys, and other fun items. Often after hours of sailing, we adventure to a new neighbourhood and treat ourselves and Genette to some muffins or coffee (noticing a pattern?...yes we like muffins and coffee).

Bubble Tea. We like to go on evening outings to run errands, mostly to the bank, home stores etc. but we like to add a little something sweet to them with some bubble tea, and Genette is always up for a little evening outing and bubble tea at Gerrard Square.

Family Dinners. We sit down to enjoy a family dinner every weekday evening. Before Logan (and Genette's) arrival, we spent one too many nights camped out on the living room couch for dinner and we are thrilled to now have a family dinner time. Right now we're working on how we can take even more time to be 'with' one another during dinner. We live in a culture where we dine and dash so-to-speak, and are diligent about transitioning to a family mealtime where we slow our pace down, enjoy one another's company, and share our lives around the dinner table.

What else do we have planned for the rest of the summer:

Little India Festival. This weekend is the Little India Festival and we can't wait to show Genette around this amazing neighbourhood and festival. I personally am excited to buy more bangles!

Ontario's Wine Country. Also this weekend, we'll be taking Genette on a tour of some of Ontario's finest wineries in Niagara, followed by a special lunch at a winery known for a mix of carnivorous and vegan cuisine!

Toronto Islands. We are obsessed with Toronto's Islands. We'll be starting at Ward's Island for a wonderful and peaceful stroll, a picnic lunch, and a tour of the neat residential areas, and then making our way over to Centre Island for some fun on rides.

The Cottage. We're very excited to have Genette come enjoy a weekend with us at our family cottage. We are fortunate to enjoy my grandmother's cottage in the Haliburton Highlands and look forward to showing Genette this secluded spot on the lake.


What have you done to be "with" your nanny lately? Inviting someone new into your home provides a great opportunity to build a lasting relationship not just between child caregiver, but as a family unit, so take a few minutes and ask your nanny if they might be interested in joining you socially for some family time.

For weeks now I have been receiving messages and emails asking me how it's going with our nanny who arrived four weeks ago. I get the sense that some of my readers are interested to know if my somewhat unconventional approach is effective. For those of you who have read at least a few of my articles, you have probably figured out that my approach is more relationship-centric than most. I don't believe in drawing firm "employer" boundaries or positioning myself authoritatively. I believe instead in building a mutually gratifying relationship of trust, open communication, and fun!

I have received the odd well-intended note..."be careful not to be too generous, that could backfire", "do you really want to create an expectation of a social relationship?" etc etc. The truth is that people are not sharing these fear-perpetuated statements out of any malicious intent, they are sharing their own truth, a structure that they have created to feel secure in their situation.

But here is my truth...my husband and I are both relationship-centric people. We focus a great deal on our relationship with one another, and our relationship with our son, and so it shouldn't come as a surprise that we would also focus energy on our relationship with our new nanny. While some may have seen it as an over-investment of energy, we saw it as a perfect investment and one we wouldn't have any other way because as one of my favourite sayings goes, "no deposit, no return".

Prior to our nanny arriving we spent weeks and months preparing for her arrival; decorating her room, preparing an orientation binder, planning arrival activities, communicating with her regularly via email or sometimes Skype.

And here is my report back on our journey thus far...

I am thrilled to tell you that we could not be more ecstatic with our nanny, Genette. She is everything we could have hoped for and so so much more. We have entered into this beautifully reciprocal relationship.  The same focus that we have placed on nurturing the relationship has been reciprocated by her. Our invitations to spend time with our family socially have been warmly accepted. Genette doesn't just watch our son, she is a contributing (on many levels) member of our household, she comes out with us, shares in our meals, and the more we get to know her, the more we feel blessed to have her in our home.

So how did this come to be?...More important than the extensive screening that we did (over 110 applicants), was the trust that we placed in our instincts. We sensed goodness in Genette; a kind, trustworthy, committed person, and our instincts, I believe were right.

There are of course the obvious benefits of Genette's presence - Logan is happy and well taken care of, the meals we eat are delicious, and our home is tidy, but what we are benefitting from goes well beyond that. We have entered into a community relationship with someone whom we genuinely want to know, to grow with, and to welcome into our family. It is remarkable to watch the bond between Logan and Genette develop; knowing that he is being provided with 1:1 care from someone who is genuinely invested in his well being and delights in his cute ways is so rewarding.

I know some of you may be reading this as skeptics, but here's what I would say to that. We received the same scepticism to our similar approach as landlords (where we implemented many of the same unconventional practices for years). For over 5 years we had wonderful and fulfilling relationships with tenants with more of a community-minded approach then a business one. Just last week we had one of our former tenants, and now dear friend, visiting us in our home and it was an affirmation to what life can look like when you put people at the centre of your focus. Lastly I would add this, when my husband and I were a year or two into our relationship, people would watch us laugh, giggle, and play, and say, "talk to me in 5 years", as if we would be miserable by then. Now of course our relationship isn't perfect, I'm not saying that we don't have ups and downs, but taking a deliberate and relationship-centric approach has led us to a place 10 years later where we are more in love than ever and are best friends. For those of you who are new to a relationship with a nanny, it's okay if you don't immerse yourself as fully in the relationship as we have, but hopefully you will take something positive from my approach and implement it in a way that works for you and your family. I don't live my life by "the norm", I create the life that I want for myself which has really worked out for me and my family so far. My husband does the same. I encourage you to open your heart to building the life that you want for yourself too, your relationship with your nanny included.

I have no doubt that in our future, we will encounter the natural rhythms of a relationship; the ups and downs, the growing, the imperfections of human relationships, but we have laid a foundation of trust and open communication. As Genette has been learning a new way of cooking in a health-conscious vegan household, we have been continually impressed with her desire to take initiative and seek open feedback. Learning a new way of cooking can be challenging, but Genette has met this challenge head on, with confidence, and openness. It is a telling sign of how she approaches other challenges in life, and assures us that as sure as we may encounter wavy waters, we will navigate these waters with kindness and mutual respect. If you lay the groundwork for this sort of respectful and honest communication, it will take you far.

I can only hope that families who read this may feel inspired to see the prospect of a nanny for what it can be...the opportunity to welcome a new person into your home, and your family, and to reap the rewards of a fulfilling relationship.

Tip of the day: Hire a babysitter and take your nanny out for a night on the town; go for dinner, hear some live music, or give him/her a taste of your neighbourhood. Invest in this relationship. Take the time to get to know the person who you have welcomed into your lives (and maybe even your home), and you might just find that the blessings you realize go well beyond the wonderful care that they provide to your child(ren). 

The time has come to begin preparing for your nanny's arrival...how exciting! Providing your nanny with quality orientation and training is essential to setting them up for success! This component is how you contribute to a positive experience. Everyone can relate to those first day jitters in a new job; most of what's being said to you might even go right over your head under the pressure of it all. Have you ever started a job and not been provided with an orientation binder???...'tisk tisk' is the sound of my finger wagging at your employer if you answered "yes" to this question!...you should ALWAYS be provided with an orientation binder and training regardless of the job. Now imagine if your job took place in someone else's home, this might intensify your feelings of anxiousness around knowing what to do and what not to do.

So you've selected your nanny...congrats! Hopefully you shared the good news with the successful candidate over Skype (if out of country), in person, or by phone because you certainly don't want to miss out on the joy that someone experiences when they are picked for a job (especially one that means coming to Canada if they're not currently here). So this is all very awesome and exciting, but the buck doesn't stop here. Presumably if you're sponsoring a nanny, there is about 4-8 months between now (when you've picked them) and when they'll arrive to join your household, so what now? It's very important to foster relationship building with your nanny and that should start now. Don't wait until the nanny arrives to make them feel like they are part of the family, and to show them how excited you are for their arrival (working on a fresh look for their bedroom?...send them some pics or maybe some colour chip options...or check out my DIY section for ideas). Relationships don't materialize out of thin air; they are developed over time when both parties put intention and effort into getting to know one another, showing consideration, and demonstrating kindness.

I have been emailing frequently with our nanny; asking her about how her day is, sharing photos of our neighbourhood, and little stories about Logan and our family. I started out by sending her an email with photos of our extended family introducing everyone (since we are very close to our family and spend a lot of time with them). Then I was so excited when she responded with photos of her family as well! It was the first time I felt a little spark...a connection with the person who will be living in my home, and caring for my dear son.

I sent her photos of our local library (it's been all redone and looks quite nice) because she mentioned that she loves going to the library, and shared photos of the Beach where she can take Logan for walks.

I've Skyped with her spontaneously too, just to see how she is and chat a bit. Next I plan on arranging semi-regular Skype dates and I've really been enjoying our email communication.

Remember, relationships are reciprocal so try to find ways to open the door to communication with this individual. The goal is to make your future nanny feel at ease and comfortable to begin building a relationship. This will support his or her transition upon arrival as they will feel supported by a family that they already know.

Happy emailing, texting, phone calling, snail mailing, Skyping or the like!

1. One-on-one attention. I'm probably closer to the spectrum of attachment-parenting (although I hate labelling parenting styles) so for me, the idea of having my son provided with one-on-one attention all day long and having his emotional and physical needs met by a sole care provider was great. I can't wait to to share our parenting approach with our future nanny and have the reassurance that he is being cared for in a way that aligns with our family values.
2. Flexibility. Fluctuating schedules?...no problem! My husband and I both do some work from home and have ever-changing schedules so the idea of paying for a childcare spot that we may not need to use half of the time was very unappealing. With a live-in nanny, we can schedule the hours of work that we are in need of. This means that if one week we need care during the day, and the next week, we'd like to use the time to go out on a date night instead, it's easy peasy! 
3. Extra support around the house. I once heard someone say that when their nanny moved in it changed their life, but they weren't referring to the childcare (although that too was fantastic), they were referring to having their socks tucked away in neat little pancakes in their drawer, and delicious meals being cooked for their family. Life is so busy already and since we're on our first child, I'm very much looking forward to the added support around the house when I transition back to work. I'm hoping it saves time for the more important stuff...like silly sing songs and family walks.
4. The home environment. With babies being so young when most of us go back to work (8-14 months), I just love the idea of having our son receiving care in the comfort of his own home. Adapting to having mommy work instead of play and snuggle all day will be hard enough, I'd at least like to have this change occur in the comfort of our home. 
5. No pick up or drop offs. Imagine a world where scheduling your days around childcare pick up and drop offs didn't exist?! I haven't even gone back to work yet, and I can already imagine how great it will be to eliminate this unnecessary stress from my day. 
6. Cost effective. Who knew that hiring a live-in nanny was so affordable?! I always thought that nannies were a luxury reserved for those richer than my blood. I was thrilled to find out that a live-in nanny will cost us less than half that of a space in an infant room of a childcare centre. 
7. Community & relationships. My husband and I are very community oriented and value relationships (whether it be with one another, friends, or family). As a child, my nanny provided me with a lot of love. In response to people who would from time to time ask my mom if it bothered her how close we were, my mom would say "I want my child to receive as much love as possible". Adding a new member to your family life (whether it be for one year or five) is a great way to bring that much more joy, happiness, and personal growth into your child's life and that of your family.  Your child will learn about building positive and meaningful relationships and the whole family will be provided with the opportunity to open up their lives, learn about a new culture, and grow as a family.