Miscarriage: what a terribly stigmatized concept.
Miscarriage is such a healthy normal part of life; one that we wouldn’t want to
go without as it most commonly weeds out genetic discrepancies with
pregnancies. It is our body’s natural way of helping us to have healthy
pregnancies and healthy babies when the time is right.
My miscarriage: traumatic, lonely, shocking! Someone of my
age (in their twenties) miscarrying? But isn’t this something reserved for
women much older than me? No it certainly is not. Women miscarry for all sorts
of genetic reasons. Mine…the pregnancy was ectopic which means that it was
developing in the wrong place (in my fallopian tube in fact). Why am I telling
you all of this? Because I think we have quite a predicament on our hands. We
have arrived in a place as a society that leaves women in a very isolating and
vulnerable position to experience miscarriage.
The norm has become that women wait until three months (or
their second trimester) to announce their pregnancies once their chance of
miscarriage has decreased to a nearly nonexistent point. But what does this do
for women who miscarry? What does it feel like to miscarry when no one knew you
were pregnant to begin with? I can tell you that it’s very difficult. If when I
miscarried, I had known women who had gone before me, it might not have felt so
surprising, so paramount. Imagine if the moment I found out the pregnancy was
ectopic I had already gone through or heard of miscarriages with friends and
family. Imagine if for years leading up to my pregnancy it had been a normal
part of life. Someone announces a pregnancy and then a few weeks later (or when
they’re ready) mentions that it didn’t work out. Just imagine how much better
one would be prepared to experience that situation themselves.
I know and respect that many women aren’t comfortable
sharing their pregnancies with people until they’re out of the woods, but this
perpetuates the problem. Why do we live in a time when only the viable
pregnancies are valued? Why is it not the entire journey to parenthood that’s
valued? We are stuck in a time when miscarriages are so traumatic that women
receive grief counseling and take time off work. There are entire help lines
devoted to supporting women in early pregnancy loss. Now I’m not in any way
saying that no matter what, grief and sadness won’t accompany a miscarriage
because it will, but there’s got to be a way to lessen the degree to which
women experience this.
I know there are many reasons besides reaching the ‘safe
zone’ that women hold back pregnancies, but I’m not going to over-complicate
the ‘safe zone’ issue with these. Women nowadays know they are pregnant earlier
than ever before. Years ago, many women didn’t know they were miscarrying or
only knew they were pregnant for a couple of days before miscarrying and it was
an expected part of the process, but in hiding it, we’ve stigmatized it. Women
now find out they’re pregnant and quietly read every blog they can to find out
about their risks of miscarriage. It’s become the be-all and end-all of life
during childbearing years. I can tell you that I’ve been there and it was hard,
but it wasn’t a make it or break it moment in life.
I remember the doctors kept saying to me “the problem is
that no one talks about it, so you don’t know how common it is”. Boy were they
right, when I tell people about my story, everyone and their dog has a similar
one (if not of themselves, then of a close friend or a family member). When I
went back to work, I just kept wishing that the non-existent gossip mill would suddenly
spring up so that everyone would at least know what I was going through. At the
time, I didn’t need or want an outpouring of heartfelt messages, but it would
have been nice if people had just known. You’re less alone when others share
your experience.
If you’re a very private person and you’re not comfortable
sharing your pregnancy early, then I’m not asking you to, but if you’re only
not sharing your pregnancy early because that is the norm or because people
don’t even take you seriously when you share it sooner (which has been my
experience), then I challenge you to step outside the box and help me change
the way we see this journey. Miscarriage is part of it, not for everyone, but
for many. I am thankful that my body knew what to do to take care of me and put
me in a place where I can have a healthy pregnancy when the time is right.
Life is too short to go through the journey alone, so share
lets share our lives (the good and the bad) with the world around us.
*Published in Oh Baby! Magazine - Spring/Summer 2014 Issue
