I have received the odd well-intended note..."be careful not to be too generous, that could backfire", "do you really want to create an expectation of a social relationship?" etc etc. The truth is that people are not sharing these fear-perpetuated statements out of any malicious intent, they are sharing their own truth, a structure that they have created to feel secure in their situation.
But here is my truth...my husband and I are both relationship-centric people. We focus a great deal on our relationship with one another, and our relationship with our son, and so it shouldn't come as a surprise that we would also focus energy on our relationship with our new nanny. While some may have seen it as an over-investment of energy, we saw it as a perfect investment and one we wouldn't have any other way because as one of my favourite sayings goes, "no deposit, no return".
Prior to our nanny arriving we spent weeks and months preparing for her arrival; decorating her room, preparing an orientation binder, planning arrival activities, communicating with her regularly via email or sometimes Skype.
And here is my report back on our journey thus far...
I am thrilled to tell you that we could not be more ecstatic with our nanny, Genette. She is everything we could have hoped for and so so much more. We have entered into this beautifully reciprocal relationship. The same focus that we have placed on nurturing the relationship has been reciprocated by her. Our invitations to spend time with our family socially have been warmly accepted. Genette doesn't just watch our son, she is a contributing (on many levels) member of our household, she comes out with us, shares in our meals, and the more we get to know her, the more we feel blessed to have her in our home.So how did this come to be?...More important than the extensive screening that we did (over 110 applicants), was the trust that we placed in our instincts. We sensed goodness in Genette; a kind, trustworthy, committed person, and our instincts, I believe were right.
There are of course the obvious benefits of Genette's presence - Logan is happy and well taken care of, the meals we eat are delicious, and our home is tidy, but what we are benefitting from goes well beyond that. We have entered into a community relationship with someone whom we genuinely want to know, to grow with, and to welcome into our family. It is remarkable to watch the bond between Logan and Genette develop; knowing that he is being provided with 1:1 care from someone who is genuinely invested in his well being and delights in his cute ways is so rewarding.
I know some of you may be reading this as skeptics, but here's what I would say to that. We received the same scepticism to our similar approach as landlords (where we implemented many of the same unconventional practices for years). For over 5 years we had wonderful and fulfilling relationships with tenants with more of a community-minded approach then a business one. Just last week we had one of our former tenants, and now dear friend, visiting us in our home and it was an affirmation to what life can look like when you put people at the centre of your focus. Lastly I would add this, when my husband and I were a year or two into our relationship, people would watch us laugh, giggle, and play, and say, "talk to me in 5 years", as if we would be miserable by then. Now of course our relationship isn't perfect, I'm not saying that we don't have ups and downs, but taking a deliberate and relationship-centric approach has led us to a place 10 years later where we are more in love than ever and are best friends. For those of you who are new to a relationship with a nanny, it's okay if you don't immerse yourself as fully in the relationship as we have, but hopefully you will take something positive from my approach and implement it in a way that works for you and your family. I don't live my life by "the norm", I create the life that I want for myself which has really worked out for me and my family so far. My husband does the same. I encourage you to open your heart to building the life that you want for yourself too, your relationship with your nanny included.
I have no doubt that in our future, we will encounter the natural rhythms of a relationship; the ups and downs, the growing, the imperfections of human relationships, but we have laid a foundation of trust and open communication. As Genette has been learning a new way of cooking in a health-conscious vegan household, we have been continually impressed with her desire to take initiative and seek open feedback. Learning a new way of cooking can be challenging, but Genette has met this challenge head on, with confidence, and openness. It is a telling sign of how she approaches other challenges in life, and assures us that as sure as we may encounter wavy waters, we will navigate these waters with kindness and mutual respect. If you lay the groundwork for this sort of respectful and honest communication, it will take you far.
I can only hope that families who read this may feel inspired to see the prospect of a nanny for what it can be...the opportunity to welcome a new person into your home, and your family, and to reap the rewards of a fulfilling relationship.
Tip of the day: Hire a babysitter and take your nanny out for a night on the town; go for dinner, hear some live music, or give him/her a taste of your neighbourhood. Invest in this relationship. Take the time to get to know the person who you have welcomed into your lives (and maybe even your home), and you might just find that the blessings you realize go well beyond the wonderful care that they provide to your child(ren).
